Help! I Married a Narcissist!

I really thought I had met the one. I married him. I thought we would be so happy together. Little did I know our seemingly happy relationship was to be destroyed by a deep dark secret, and I would be the subject of torment and emotional pain for years to come.

The hotel room where I first met Lwanda. July 2015.

How it all began: The website advert.

July, 2015. 

Cold, still so very tired from my jetlag, and 

The first few messages on WhatsApp. July 2015.

hungry I stumble out on the balcony of my hotel room in Amanzimtoti, near Durban in South Africa. It's winter but the sun is still shining, warming my cold body. Somehow wishing I wasn't so jetlagged from my travels to the US the week before, I go back into my room, make a cup of coffee and take my laptop out on the balcony. Travelling on business to South Africa, I decided to take a detour afterwards and get some well deserved R&R. Not quite realizing how cold a poorly insulated, floor tiled hotel room can be in the Durban winter I think to myself I should have gone somewhere else but it is what it is. I flip open my work laptop and stare at the browser. Having broken up with my partner of 20+ years, I didn't think I would find anyone else. For the most part, I didn't even try. But that morning, the sun was shining and it seemed like such a nice day. I figured, what the heck, why don't I see if there might be someone here who might be even remotely interested in me. You never know, I told myself. A few google searches later, and there it is. The classified ad on the website stares me in the face. A young guy, 20, seeking a "bear" over 40. Sounds ideal. After all, I wanted someone younger. I message the number provided. "I think I fit your criteria", I write. "I think you fit mine as well", comes the response. He had obviously looked at my WhatsApp profile photo. My heart skips a beat. Here is someone who is actually genuinely interested in me. Whoa. It's all a bit too much. I am so used to rejection or no interest at all. Not knowing how to respond I simply leave it for a while before I respond again. I finally message him again. I ask for a photo and his name. He tells me he is called Lwanda, and sends me a photo of him.

There and then I knew I was instantly attracted to Lwanda (middle).

I did not know at the time that I would be spending 2.5 years with Lwanda. That he would completely change my life, give me so much happiness and later so much sadness. That I would develop a love for him that was so deep and profound - and later marry him. That within the space of a few months, my life would change completely and never be the same again. There and then, I knew I was attracted, but there was also something else with him, a kind of innocence. He just looked like a nice guy. As it turns out, he is with a group of friends in Margate who all know each other from school. They are doing a kind of "farewell" trip before they all go their separate ways. When I messaged him Lwanda was on the sofa, being bored, listening to his friends argue about where to go out and when. Not drinking alcohol himself he had decided to just stay in that night. Then my messages popped up. We started chatting. I find out he lives very near my hotel, by complete coincidence. That he will be back home shortly. We arrange to meet up. The day we arranged to meet did not go as planned. The day before I discovered my rental car had a flat. They gave me a replacement car, where the USB charging port did not work. So that is how I found myself by Lwanda's house with my phone having a flat battery. Looking at the time and feeling more and more stressed I realise it's way past the time we agreed. I finally find a mobile phone shop, willing to let me charge my phone for a bit. By this time, Lwanda thought I had stood him up. With just a few percent battery I frantically message him, explaining what happened. We agree to try and meet again, and this time it all works. Into my car steps a gorgeous, young, black guy. Dressed in  blue and orange flip flops, shorts and hoodie, I wonder who would wear that in the middle of winter but later learned that is what everyone wears in Durban, all year round. We make our way up to my hotel. It's at the moment where you step into your hotel room with someone, you start to feel awkward. Two people, who like each other, but you wonder where you go from there and what you should do. English not being my mother tongue, I start to lose my British accent and revert back to what probably sounded a bit like the Swedish Chef. I didn't know it at the time, but apparently when I get really nervous I lose my accent. Trying to diffuse the awkwardness, I suggest we lie down on the bed. We climb into the big four-poster bed and lie next to each other. I look at his sweet innocent brown eyes and black curly hair. I'm a complete sucker for black hair and brown eyes. I feel like just giving him a big hug and feel him next to me. So I do. I wrap my big arms around him and feel his warm cheek next to mine and I am so happy I met this guy. We cuddle and talk and I make him dinner. "Wow, this guy must be really serious" Lwanda thinks as I stand there in the kitchen making him dinner and trying to get the gas cooker to work. Me, I think if you invite someone, the decent thing to do is make them dinner and make sure they are well cared for.

Lwanda eventually goes back home. I decide my hotel is not for me and up sticks to a new hotel in the CBD. I invite Lwanda over. We jump into bed and for the next three days we just stay in my hotel room and never leave. We talk, sleep, cuddle, order room service. Get to know each other better. It felt almost unreal. As I lie there naked next to him, I realise I have never felt so happy in my life. That we were meant to be together. Something cosmic had made us come together. I leave South Africa with mixed emotions. Sad that I have to leave, so happy that I finally met someone I really like and who likes me back. At the same time thoughts about all my feelings for him, and what might happen in the future, race through my mind.

Back in the UK, we keep in touch via WhatsApp. Over the years we are going to exchange more than an incredible 135,000 messages between us. We keep in touch constantly, getting to know each other and chatting into the early hours even though we should both get to sleep. I am still in a state of shock and amazement. After all, he is 21, pretty good looking, and in theory he could have just about any man he wants. "Why me? Does he really want me?" goes through my mind and I keep probing and asking. I wanted to make sure he genuinely wanted a man old enough to be his dad, and not just any man but also a "bear". He assures me time and time again that yes, this is what he wants. That he felt miserable for so many years, trying to convince himself that he liked girls, or even just guys his own age. After all, being attracted to someone of the same sex is one thing but when you add that they must also be 35+ and white, things get somewhat more complicated in South Africa. One day, he decided to try and not be miserable anymore, and took the step to place some ads and try and find the one thing he really wanted, no matter what other people might say. It is one of those ads I came across. On whatsapp, every morning we wish each other good morning. Every night we say good night. I start to look forward to the "good morning" message of the day. The message that tells me he is still around, still cares for me. September 2015. We had been chatting every day on WhatsApp. Getting to know each other better. Talking about our friends. Our family. Our hopes and aspirations. For some reason our conversation always flows easily, we get on well together and I for one is so happy to have finally met someone who likes me back and whom I get on so well with. I decide to go back to Durban.  I exit at the airport. There he is, waiting for me. I run towards him, give him a huge hug and a big sloppy kiss. I am so happy to see him. So nice to feel his soft cheek against mine. We start walking to the car rental place and Lwanda stops. Clearly having a meltdown, overwhelmed that I was actually coming back for him. "Of course I came back for you? Why wouldn't I?" I asked. "I thought you were just some businessman looking for a bit of fun on your travels. So overwhelmed you actually came back for me", he replied, still almost crying from all the emotions. I assure him that of course I would come back for him, he is such a lovely guy and I care so much about him, so why wouldn't I? We head to the small flat I had rented. We do what a new couple would do - chat, cuddle, make love, and go on trips exploring Durban and its surroundings.

Can you resist that smile? At Surfriders Cafe, Durban, July 2015.

We found a nice secluded beach and sat there together for an hour holding each other. September 2015.

Happy Times

As time goes on our relationship just becomes deeper and more mature. It really was bliss. Looking back, we never had any arguments. There were never any throwing of plates and shouting at each other. Just a harmonious, loving relationship. Lwanda didn't like us making love in the mornings. And he didn't like me getting water on the bathroom floor after a shower. If those are your only two concerns in a relationship, surely it must be a sign that we are a perfect match? We get to see each other every 2-3 months. Maintaining a relationship is a challenge when only seeing your partner every two months. 

Still, when you do get to see each other again it's so much sweeter. A pattern starts to emerge, where we see each other for a week or two, and then after I had to leave all I could think about was when we would see each other next. Later, I would realize that being apart from him and not having any visibility of what he was actually doing whilst we were apart, would be a problem. 

Every time meeting at the airport was special. I see him there, waiting for me, a bit nervous. I go right up to him and we lock lips, right in front of everyone. The stuck-up white woman in her 50s behind us gives us a look. The black guys working at the airport make comments in isiZulu that I was later told were not exactly nice. Yet, I don't actually care. I am with the man I love so much and I want to show the whole world how much I really love him.

I start taking every opportunity to come down to Durban.  For my birthday we rent a huge house on the South Coast. Complete with housekeeper, pool, and 4 bedrooms. Not that we care, we just want to be together, and send the housekeeper on her way back to her relatives in her township. We go for small trips, go skinny dipping in the pool, and go down through the private beach access and frolic on the beach. We have fun splashing each other, and afterwards we give each other a long kiss, right there on the almost desolate beach. It feels unreal, standing there on the beach kissing this guy I now love more deeply than words can express. We end each night by retiring up to the bedroom, me spooning him and putting my arm around my little spoon and hearing his breathing change until he just falls asleep in my arms. 

 

I have definitely fallen in love. A love that seems so deep and so different than any love I have experienced for anyone else so far. Perhaps I was blinded by love, in what follows. What I do know is that my colleagues start remarking that I am smiling all the time. They start sending me meeting requests for 0830, sensing I have changed. Not being a morning person, I still agree to all of them with a smile. My colleagues are puzzled yet so happy for me. "You used to be so grumpy," said one of them. "Now you are smiling and happy all the time. What happened?" they ask. I explain I have met someone who is very special to me.

Vegas, baby!

We are still living 5,915mi apart. So, we take every opportunity we can grab to be together. I combine South Africa work trips and stay longer just to be with my beloved Lwanda, use up all my holidays just to go there, even if just for a week.  Las Vegas will forever have memories of our time together. With my employer requiring me to be at an annually held trade show there, I invited Lwanda along for the trip, instead of me coming to Durban again. 

In front of the Las Vegas sign. Something you just have to do. April 2016.

Jetlagged but happy celebrating Lwanda's birthday.  At Roy's, April 2016.

Breakfast at the hotel before setting off for the supercar experience. I newer knew what to say about his "Me so thorny t-shirt." April 2016.

One very happy Lwanda in the Lamborghini Aventador SV.  April 2016.

I decided to treat Lwanda to a driving experience at a race track full of supercars. He gets his moment, driving the absoutely amazing and very very fast Lamborghini Aventador. Not just any Aventador either, this was the first model produced, on special loan, and is now in a museum.

Time to contemplate. Las Vegas, April 2016.

In December 2016 I decide it's time for Lwanda to meet my family. Even though I have yet to meet anyone in his family like I was hoping for, we spend Xmas together with my family in Oslo, Norway. It all goes well and I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. After the celebrations we take off and head into Sweden, where I have rented a typical Swedish stuga. We "dial up the romance", as we spend a blissful week together in the small cabin. One afternoon, we light up the fireplace and climb up to the mezzanine level bed, and just stay there cuddling and talking, as we listen to the crackle of the fireplace and the cabin becomes warm and cozy. There and then, we were so happy together. I cuddle up to him and tell myself that when I lie next to him, feeling his naked body against mine, it's the only thing that means something to me. Nothing else means anything. 

Going on ATVs in the middle of the Swedish forest. December 2016.

Visiting my family in Norway. The weather was a tad too chilly for a Durbanite! December 2016.

Don't we look good? Just had a massage and facial at the San Lameer resort, South Coast (KZN). July 2017.

Happy embrace by the Golden Gate Bridge. San Francisco, April 2017.

We are getting married!

April 2017. We are on a day trip from Vegas. On the way, we stop next to the hydroelectric plant near Laughlin. Known mostly for bussing in pensioners from Vegas, attracted to the better payouts and cheap lunches, it also has a small dam next to the plant. We take off our shoes and wade into the crisp, quite cold yet refreshing water and take in the scenery. It was there, at that moment, I told Lwanda that I was tired of having a long distance relationship. That the feeling of being so down when I did not know when I would see him next was taking it's toll, and that I wanted permanence. That I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. That was all I wanted, just to be with him. 

I leave Vegas in a very happy mood. Thinking that finally, I have found someone who loves me and who wants to be with me. It just feels right to get married. Make our strong love bond official. I start to plan for a wedding. We discuss dates, and first arrive on July...but it just feels too soon. In the end, we decide on October.  June 2017. The next few months is all about the wedding. I start the paperwork. The amount of red tape you have to go through is daunting. Still, I persevere. I go back down in June to look for a venue with Lwanda. We decide on the Collisheen Estate, near Durban. Not too big, not too small, just perfect for our group. We find a Minister to marry us and I set up a professional-looking website with all the information about the wedding, and we start sending out invites. August 2017. I build a nest. I buy a flat for myself and Lwanda, in London. I proudly go to pick up the keys to our new marital home. I move out of my old house and into my brand new 2-bedroom flat. I try and get everything ready, in eager anticipation of his arrival. 

The keys to my new house in London. These keys are worth over £350k, can you believe it? August 2017.

October 2017 - come out, come out! There was a snag with our wedding invitations. You see, by this time Lwanda had not yet come out to his family. Although I am sure they all had their suspicions, he had never come out for real. Now that he was about to get married to me, I tried to push him to do this. After all, I was hoping we could invite all of his close family. And, at 23, isn't it about time to come out? Coming out in South Africa though is not so much the easy affair it often is in Europe or North America. Coming out if you are black is even harder. Coming out to your black family and telling them you are getting married to a man that is not just twice your age, but also white - now that is a tall order. I realized this triple whammy of factors - age, colour, gender - made it all the worse for him. All I could do was support him as best I could and try and make him realise that it would not be the end of the world. Finally, he starts by coming out to some of his friends. The reaction is not that of horror and rejection like he fears. Instead, his friends are supportive, and I tell Lwanda that in this process you will find out who your real friends are. If they can't handle you being gay, well then they are not really your friends. Instead of being swallowed by a big black whole like he feared, his friends just want to know more about me, how he came to realise he likes men and not women and all say it doesn't make any difference to them.  Coming out to his mom and his sister is a different story, though. Under pressure of the looming wedding, he obviously has to say something. I had been trying for months to get him to say something. I really wanted to be introduced to his family, prior to the wedding. But Lwanda keeps dragging his feet. Eventually, just one week before our wedding, he decides to tell them. So first he tells his sister. Who is just very happy for him and that he has finally found someone. Then, one week before the wedding, he tells his mom that he has met someone who is very special to him and he says it's another man. The reaction is not positive. Perhaps some of that can be attributed to not being told before. "Mom, I am getting married in a week..and it's to a white older man", well that does not have a good ring to it. Then, just a few days before the wedding he decides to tell his mom about the impending wedding. The news of the wedding is not received well. Still, I hope they will all come. He tells me they plan to come. 

Wedding Bells

My family has come down from Norway, staying in Durban for the week and enjoying the sunshine and all that Durban has to offer. My brother is my Best Man and his family are all so excited about the wedding. His youngest daughter is so proud when asked to be the ring bearer. We are joined by mine and Lwanda's friends, some coming from afar. I rent a large stylish house in Simbithi, with enough room for our friends to come stay with us. We have a big braai (bbq) and enjoy each others company.

The day arrives. We have breakfast, and start to get ready to go to the venue. But something is wrong. I come into the bedroom and find Lwanda clearly upset. Crouched over on the side of the bed he is looking at his phone. What then happened behind the scenes, I do not quite know. Lwanda's strong-willed grandmother has apparently found out about the wedding. Being the supreme matriarch of the whole extended family, she apparently makes everyone boycott the wedding. His mom, his sister, his aunts, were all meant to be there. Instead, Lwanda tells me he received a barrage of negative messages from his family. Word has now spread of the "scandal" and no one is happy. Lwanda looks at me with a sad expression on his face and there, for the first time ever, I see him cry. He just breaks down completely and cries and all I can do is be there for him, put my arms around him and comfort him the best I can. The news of his grandmother telling everyone not to come, has hit him hard. And his aunts do not seem very understanding either. "Do you like the things he does for you?" his aunt somewhat sarcastically asks, implying our relationship is not based on love. I am shocked, and disappointed, that it's 2017 yet the attitudes displayed are that of what we had in Europe in the early 80s. 

Eventually, Lwanda calms down from his "meltdown" as he calls it, and we all drive over to the venue. At the georgeous Collisheen Estate the preparations are already done, decorations up, DJ ready, chapel ready for the ceremony, and the chefs are hard at work preparing our dinner. We relax a bit in the side room, and get dressed. The guests have arrived, now all waiting in the chapel. None of us have probably never looked so good, in our brand new suits. I look at my future husband in his suit, and he is so cute and wonderful and I give him a lot of kisses and hugs. I just feel so much love for him and so emotional.

Twenty minutes before "showtime", Lwanda seems to be a bit upset again. He goes into the side room, and locks the door. Says he just needs a few minutes by himself to calm down. I tell myself this is just wedding day jitters, after all it's a big day and it's natural to feel nervous. I go back into the room after a few minutes, and can tell Lwanda has clearly been pacing up and down the room. He does not say much, and then we make the final adjustments to our attire. "Are we doing this?" I ask. "Yes!" he resoundingly responds and we lock arms and walk down the small path to the chapel.

To a lovely song chosen by our DJ we walk hand in hand into the chapel. 

Our Marriage Officer, Fiona, waits at the altar. This is not a Christian wedding, mind you. The ceremony starts and she holds a beautiful speech about love and the value of being married. We then hold hands, and exchange wows. We exchange rings. 

There and then, on October 7th 2017, I marry my georgeous, sweet and wonderful Lwanda Lindokuhle Mhlongo. We are pronounced Husbands and give each other a long, passionate kiss in front of everyone. The happiest day in my life, so far. The perfect wedding. The perfect husband that I love so much and so incredibly deeply. 

We sit down for dinner, at the table so beautifully decorated in our favourite colours. At dinner, Lwanda tells the story of how we initially met. There are sighs of "aaahw" from some of the guests as he recounts our whole love story. I feel so happy and so privileged to marry someone like him. We enjoy the food, listen to the speeches, cut the cake, dance and enjoy ourselves until late. Exhausted, we finally tumble into bed and cuddle up before we fall asleep. What a day.

Post-wedding, rings on our fingers, the happy couple at the house in Simbithi. October 2017.

After the wedding, with a bit of relief we say goodbye to all our friends and family and head down to the South Coast of Durban. Just the two of us. We can finally be alone and focus on just us.

At the house on the south coast we get time to ourselves. We snuggle up together on the sofa, watch some films, sleep in, make love, and go on small outings together. I make fun of him when all of a sudden it starts raining, and 

all I see zooming past me is a pair of slops (flip flops), moving at superhero speed to go out and close the windows of his car that he left open. I joke that I have never seen such a speedy reaction, and it's sharply contrasted to the speed at which he collected the laundry earlier that day. A the house we enjoy just being together. We have endless cuddles together, just feeling our naked warm bodies next to each other and kissing and being happy together. We go on little car trips together, enjoy the pool, I make us some lovely dinners and we watch some TV. 

How about that view.  Gillybean's White House, KZN, October 2017.

One day, we are on the sofa. I grab his feet and start giving him a foot massage. Suddenly, he exclaims "I don't deserve you!". I did not understand where that came from, and how can he think I am too good for him? I assure him that he is wrong. After all, I love him so much, and why would he think so badly of himself that I don't deserve him. It stuck in my memory, though.

Our time together comes to an end, and I head back to London. I have this thing called "work" I have to attend to. Back to reality, in a way. At the airport I feel optimistic, even though I am to yet again be separated from my Lwanda. I know that even if it will be for a few months, when we are reunited it will be forever. That thought gives me hope.

Visa Ready. Next stop London.

Now that we were married, we could live together in the UK, or South Africa. The best option was for Lwanda to come live with me in the UK. To do that you have to apply for a visa, as my husband, and that requires an awful lot of paperwork. I really can't wait, I am so impatient for it to all happen. Finally, he applies for the visa, and we experience a few nail-biting weeks waiting for the response. Then, in December 2017 the visa comes back! All good to go to the UK now, and live here permanently with me. Lwanda tells me he is not quite ready, he wants to spend Xmas and New Year's with his family in Durban. I completely understand that.

Turning Point What happens next in this story is the turning point. Just a few days before Xmas, my mom dies. Admittedly she had COPD Stage 4, and was very ill, but it nevertheless came as a surprise. We were close. Just like with Lwanda, we chatted every day on WhatsApp. "Good morning!" she would say every day until we said our good nights, having chatted about things happening in our lives. She was too ill to travel to our wedding, but thankfully got to see me get married before she passed on. I will always miss my mom - after she died it was so odd, all of a sudden she was not there to wish me good morning. On a few occasions I caught myself, just about to message her good morning when of course I am reminded she is just not there on the other side of WhatsApp anymore. 

My mom. RIP.

With Lwanda things were looking great. We were still apart, but soon to be reunited. New Year's Eve was just not the same without him, even though it was spent with my best friend Pag. A message pops up on New Year's Eve: 

"Happy New year to the most wonderful husband anyone could ever ask for! Hope you and Pag [my best friend] are having a smashing time! Love you lots "

January 2018. The Surprise Visit. I felt I just had to see Lwanda again. His mom having had an operation at the hospital, he had to stay home and look after his mom and his sister. With him still in Durban, I decide to pay him a surprise visit. I arrange it all so that I fly directly from my company training in the US to Durban. The trip goes well and Lwanda does not suspect a thing, since I timed my WhatsApp messages in such a way that when I was on the plane, he thought I was sleeping. In my head, it was a grand romantic gesture - turning up at your husband's doorstep unannounced. When I arrive, I send him a cheeky selfie outside his house and wait for the response.

Surprise! Guess where I am!

14/01/2018, 15:53 - LostHusband: Guess where I am right now!

14/01/2018, 18:00 - Lwanda: Hey. Sorry i was in the ward with my mom

14/01/2018, 18:00 - Lwanda: Are you serious right now?!

14/01/2018, 18:01 - Lwanda: What the heck

At first Lwanda struggles to process it all. A new message ticks in:

14/01/2018, 18:07 - Lwanda: Sorry brain has shutdown completely now

But the whole grand gesture backfires on me. After travelling for almost 24 hours, it turns out Lwanda is not even at his house. He says he is helping is mom who is still having medical issues. But not only that, Lwanda tells me he has had haunting dreams of his (deceased) dad. It's troubling and he can't get rid of them. So his family suggests they seek the help of an inyanga, a witch doctor. He had already arranged to do this, in the same week I arrived. Or, so he tells me. He tells me he has to go visit his relatives about 3 hours from Durban, and they will help with the somewhat convoluted process. This apparently includes purchasing a goat at the local market and sacrificing this. "The goat part is the sacrifice for the ancestors. A peace offering of sorts. Then basically let my dad know that I'm okay and that his soul can rest etc. It's a whole long thing", Lwanda tells me. I wait patiently as he literally deals with his own daemons. To someone from Northern Europe this may all sound very odd. But this is Africa after all, where things are done differently, and many people, even though they are well-educated, make use of various witch doctor services.

In the end, I only get to see him for a few hours. At the end of the week, he turns up at the flat I had rented in Amanzimtoti. I could not describe how happy I was to see him again. But my heart sinks when, after spending just two hours with me, he announces he has arranged to meet someone and has to leave again. He seemed preoccupied. We just manage to catch up a bit, have a quickie on the bed, and I get him to sign the thank you cards for our wedding, before he leaves again. For the rest of my stay, I don't get to see him. I feel gutted, and blame myself for arranging all of it and not telling him I would be coming.

Something has changed

February 2018. With his mom's medical issues over, it looks like there is nothing stopping Lwanda from coming. Our conversations shift more towards him joining me. It just does not seem like he is in any hurry to leave. We have the usual banter on whatsapp, talking about what is happening in our lives. But then something seems to change. He starts complaining about being tired all the time, not feeling well mentally, some feelings he is finding it hard to shake. Still, I am starting to lose patience. By the end of February, things come to a halt. I instantly regret saying it, but tell him I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster of not known when we will see each other next, then seeing each other and having to be apart again. I had booked him a ticket to come to London, and in my mind, there was nothing stopping him from coming. Why wouldn't he come join his loving husband? I really have had enough, so I send him a message.

19/02/2018, 06:51 - Lwanda: Morning. You can call me when you wake up so we can talk about it.19/02/2018, 07:45 - LH: Morning 19/02/2018, 09:56 - Lwanda: Just got out 19/02/2018, 10:10 - LH: It's a shame you don't want to come this side. But I am sorry I have had enough of this emotional rollercoaster. I can't waste any more time. You will have to choose between remaining in South Africa and doing your things there, or come live with me. It is completely binary, one or the other. I feel like I have done everything in my power here to make things happen. I don't want to give you more time. I have been patient enough, waiting all this time. 19/02/2018, 10:25 - LH: I really have had enough of the waiting and being patient so I feel like it's now or never. I wish I could just leave everything here and come live with you in SA but the reality is that is not practically possible for quite a while. I also don't want to just live off your income, I would not like that. 19/02/2018, 10:27 - LH: You really are the best thing that has ever happened to me but I just can't do a distance relationship any more. We need to live together now. We can't continue to be apart. 19/02/2018, 10:31 - LH: I need to know how you choose. 19/02/2018, 10:49 - LH: By 1500 my time the time runs out to cancel your ticket and I therefore need to know by then if you intend to be on that plane tomorrow, or not. 19/02/2018, 12:26 - Lwanda: Please don't cancel it. Please rather postpone it 19/02/2018, 12:26 - Lwanda: We can work out a date and stick to that no matter what 19/02/2018, 12:26 - LH: Until when? 19/02/2018, 12:28 - LH: I just get the feeling we will have the same in 1 month again. So what is the point in postponing? 19/02/2018, 12:33 - LH: Maybe I should ask: how long do you need? 19/02/2018, 12:43 - LH: there is no availability in March. so I will have to cancel instead and then book again when there is availability 19/02/2018, 12:45 - LH: I take it from your response you do not want to come. 19/02/2018, 12:45 - LH: I will cancel the ticket then and this is your last chance 19/02/2018, 12:55 - LH: I have cancelled the booking 19/02/2018, 13:01 - LH: So what do you want to do now? I am hurt and disappointed. 19/02/2018, 13:01 - LH: You strung me on for so long. 19/02/2018, 13:36 - LH: Can you give me a date on which it's guaranteed you will come? 19/02/2018, 14:34 - LH: I can't wait long. Either we get to live with each other very soon or we are done. I've had enough of all this. 19/02/2018, 14:38 - LH: You need to start talking to me more and be honest. Sorry if I put pressure on you but honestly i waited and waited. The ceremony and your mom and everything. 19/02/2018, 14:40 - LH: Now lately you are dodging my questions. Not communicating. Sleeping a lot. Just say so if you don't want to come. But you should have clearly said that a long time ago. Then maybe things would be different. 19/02/2018, 14:45 - LH: I had it in my mind you would come. I booked so it would coincide with your mom being well again. I did all I could to get the place ready. 19/02/2018, 14:46 - LH: I just can't come live with you I thought you understood our only feasible option is you come here. Maybe you did not get that part. I don't understand why you can't give it a shot. 19/02/2018, 19:09 - LH: Please let me know what you actually want to do now. Like I said I can't move or sell up. Kinda stuck here. And I don't want a long distance relationship anymore.

We never get to properly discuss any of this. Over the next months our conversations drift towards the mundane, with me always trying to find out when he would actually be coming to join me in London. The periods between responses become longer. Lwanda doesn't tell me much about his life anymore. Complains he is tired. Something does not quite feel right but I can't put my finger on it. I wake up from a dream where I went cycling, and then lost my bike. Tried to go back for it, but could not find it. The meaning is obvious.

Not coming back April 2018. I had booked a trip to go to Durban from Vegas. I suspected something was wrong but could not pinpoint what. So I thought I had to go to Durban to find out what is going on, get some answers at least. Lwanda knows I am coming. Then, the night before my flight I get a weird message, at 3AM my time. "Sorry to have to do this to you but you have to postpone/change your flight to SA. I have emailed you explaining why." My heart started racing. I was wondering what was going on. Why did I have to cancel? Was something wrong? I desperate checked for the email, but it never came. No responses to all my messages. I did not know what to do, but went anyway, since I could not change my flight. I sent lots of messages, but a long time afterwards I just get a message back saying that something is wrong with his WhatsApp and that messages are just flooding in. Surviving a 16 hour flight from Las Vegas, the next morning I go to his house in Durban. His sister and mom is there, but no sign of Lwanda. His mom is clearly not happy to see me and it's awkward since we have never met before. Still, I was worried sick about Lwanda and really needed to find out where he was. His mom gives me a really frosty reception, not even looking up from folding her laundry. Lwanda's sister and his mom tell me they have not seen him since March and they don’t know where he is. "Lwanda does his own thing", Lwanda's mom tells me, clearly with a tone of resentment in her voice. I assumed he would be somewhere in Durban, but it seemed not. He said there was some sort of mess that he would sort out, but no further details. I thought it was odd that even though he knew I was in Durban, he did not come see me. He messaged me saying he would not go back on his word, that he had a plan of action, wrapped up all his affairs, and arranged for storage of his car. Asking what to pack etc. And that tomorrow, he would be with me for good. Then, on the last night before we were due to leave he turns up. He said he had been staying with a friend in Joburg, but would not say who. He was meant to be there a day before but said his plans got messed up…but did turn up in the end. He was maybe a bit more muted and reserved than before but other than that, nothing special.

The last photo I ever took of Lwanda. Much later, I understood why he was reluctant to feature in a photo.

April, 2018. We travelled to London and it’s then I noticed he did not have his wedding ring. He claimed he had misplaced it - left it somewhere in the flat we were staying, or somewhere in the suitcase. Later, he claimed it was in his suitcase, in one of the crevices, and it showed up on the security scanners in Doha airport. Not sure what to believe about that, but afterwards I saw that on photos of him he was not wearing his wedding ring and who knows if he still even has it. Having dinner with myself and my best friend, he seemed evasive with my friend’s questions. He also uncharacteristically drank some alcohol, which I thought was odd. He never used to touch it. Finally though, he was with me and we could start to think about the future. I was still ill, recovering from a mysterious lung infection that I had struggled with for over a week previously. Still, we have a good time together. I was ecstatic that we were finally together, ready to start our life together, as a married couple. We ordered McDonald's on UberEats, laugh at Doug DeMuro's videos on youtube, chat, cuddle, make love. We talk about the future, what Lwanda could do here in London, that we needed to sort out all the practical things like a mobile phone contract. Everything a normal couple would do.

A nice kiss from the sofa of my flat in London.

Everything seemed normal. May 2018.

One morning here in London in April, I was finally feeling a lot better from my illness. I had just come out of the shower, feeling optimistic and excited. Then Lwanda asks me to sit down on the sofa. He precedes to tell me he is leaving for SA and that his plane leaves in four hours. Could I arrange an Uber for him? I naturally got very upset and could not understand why, after one and a half weeks, he would be going back to SA, there did not seem to be any point. I got even more upset when he did not provide any good reasons for going back. I was provoked, and upset, afraid, and angry, all at the same time. He said that he had to go fetch his original certificates from his schools and college in Durban. And then, that he felt he had not closed things off with his family and needed to go back to his family. That they had sent him messages saying “you can’t just leave” and that he had to go back and explain. He said he would be back in one week. Those were the only explanations I was given and it made no sense to me. Also it made no sense to me why he had not talked to be about this beforehand, instead of just taking off. I had to go to a business meeting so had to leave before him. When I came back, I noticed that he had taken all his things with him. He had not just packed for a week, instead taken all his belongings. I call my best friend and tell him what's happened. "He's not coming back, is he?" my friends says. That's when it dawned on me. He really is not coming back. He's left. It was also at that point that I started to get suspicious. After all, the love of my life and my husband had inexplicably gone back to SA after just staying with me for just over a week, with no good explanation whatsoever. May/June 2018. We keep chatting. Everything seems pretty normal. He tells me he went back to Durban, to speak to his family and to wind up his affairs in Durban. He is then going to Joburg. I ask him who he is staying with in Joburg, no response. When I met him at the airport in Durban, I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring. He swore he still had it, and it was just lost. Then, when he lands back in South Africa, I get the supposed explanation:

02/05/2018, 13:34 - Lwanda: You actually won't believe this but I found it. Found it in my bag in Qatar. Exactly where I thought it would be. The guy showed me on the X-Ray thing at security 02/05/2018, 13:34 - Lwanda: It was wedged in the corner in one of the small compartments. That's why it was so hard to find. At the time, I did not think too much of this, except it was not like him to lose an important item. Then, somewhat subtly he starts severing the channels of communication. I notices I am no longer friends on Facebook, which is odd. He says someone hacked his Facebook account and now he can't get it back. Suddenly I am blocked from viewing his twitter account, and his Instagram. I request to follow, but my request is denied. His twitter account goes into private mode. He chats with me for a little bit on google hangounts, but after a little while he also goes dark on that.

The Mystery Stalker

May 5th, 2018. We were not meant to find out about each other. But we did.  It's a wonderful spring day in May, and I decide to have a walk around my favourite local gardens. The flowers are in full bloom, the weather is lovely and I'm enjoying an ice cream as my phone beeps and I receive a bizarre message: 

"Good day Mr LostHusband, have you signed the divorce papers Lwanda gave you?"

My heart starts racing. Who is this? Lwanda's laywer perhaps, but why is his lawyer contacting me on a Saturday. I ask who this is and say I know nothing of this. The only response back: "I am with Lwanda. I will talk to Lwanda." I temporarily block him on WhatsApp. Moments later I get a message on Facebook messenger, asking for my email address. "Please just send me your email address so you can see it's real", the message reads.  I confront Lwanda. "Don't you think if I wanted to divorce you I would have told you straight to your face?" he indignantly says. 05/05/2018, 14:06 - LH: Someone is contacting me saying you want a divorce. Is that correct? 05/05/2018, 14:10 - Lwanda: Is that a +2772 number? If so please block it ASAP. Ever since my Facebook got hacked, that very same number has been messaging me with weird threats and sending my sister weird messages as well. The same person even called my mom a few times and then would not say anything when she answered and then just hang up afterwards 05/05/2018, 14:11 - Lwanda: I spoke to my aunt who works at the court and she said I must not bother opening a case with the police because they won't do anything about it. Instead she said I must try hire a P.I to investigate and try track the person down. 05/05/2018, 14:11 - Lwanda: Pretty sure if I wanted a divorce I would've told you ages ago  05/05/2018, 14:12 - Lwanda: "You think you're happy in this little fantasy world of yours. I will get you. You will see." That's a copy and paste of a message I got from whoever that person is. Then they blocked me before I could respond 05/05/2018, 14:15 - Lwanda: I've also tried tracing the number numerous times but they have blocked my number. It just baffles me who the heck would stoop so low 05/05/2018, 14:18 - Lwanda: Anyway, regarding my family. I hate to say this but I'm done. I tried to get through to them and it's no use. I'm not going to fight a losing battle. My mom even said she doesn't want to see you again and she wouldn't tell me why. I've made the decision that I'm just going to sell my car here and just make the move their permanent. I've had enough. If they can treat you and me like this then they don't deserve to be in my life and quite frankly I don't need them and I'll be okay without seeing them for long. I've got someone coming to view the car tomorrow and will possibly have it sold by Monday. I can't keep trying to reason with grown people over something so simple 05/05/2018, 14:19 - Lwanda: Again, I have absolutely NO idea who this person is that keeps terrorising me and my sister. I have reason to believe my mom is in on it but I won't jump to any conclusions just yet. She has been against us since she found out that we're getting married and today they proved that even more. 05/05/2018, 14:24 - LH: So just to 100% confirm there is no divorce no divorce papers? 05/05/2018, 14:24 - Lwanda: HELL NO 05/05/2018, 14:25 - Lwanda: Not a chance 05/05/2018, 14:25 - Lwanda: Why would I want that?

I ask who this person is who sent me the message? All I can seem to find out is that he lives in Pretoria, and he runs the funeral agency SAFBOB Begraafnis Dienste, and is called Theo Steyn. Seems odd for someone running a funeral agency, contacting me about a supposed divorce, on a Saturday to boot. After a few days, I finally manage to have a call with Lwanda. He tells me the guy is a casual friend of his mom, whom he was put in touch with to to help with some social media marketing for his company. That he does not really know him and that he suspects his mom is behind some sort of campaign against us, and that him and his sister have been sent strange, somewhat threatening messages. That he is dealing with it, I don't need to worry, we are definitely not getting divorced and I should just block this guy. So I block the guy and put it out of my mind, for the time being. Even though, the next day I look at the status of this Theo guy on his WhatsApp. It seems to indicate he loves LLM - Lwanda Lindokuhle Mhlongo. 

How can someone know his full name? Who is he? I confront Lwanda.06/05/2018, 06:46 - LH: See the "about". That's not creepy at all. 06/05/2018, 08:16 - Lwanda: Please ignore and block that number. I'm going to sort this all out. I'm so annoyed by this all actually. We keep talking. Lwanda told me he has decided to sell his car that I gave him as a present. We have to wait until that is sold, until he can come join me. He tells me he has people coming to see it, one guy even brought a panel beater with him to inspect the car for any damage, apparently. Finally, he tells me the car is sold and all is good. That he will finally be commitment free and ready to move that side. A few days later he tells me he is in hospital. His foot really hurts and he does not know what is wrong. It feels like someone is stabbing his foot, he says. He sends me some photos. I wonder who took them, but assume it was his friend Cebo, thinking I am glad he has is best friend with him in hospital. With Lwanda, somehow there is often something medically wrong. And in particular around this time. It's gout one day, an ulcer another day. Many months later, I connect the dots and understand why a 24-year old develops an ulcer. 

I hear nothing for weeks. Then suddenly, out of the blue this photo from Lwanda arrive asking my opinion on tops he was trying on. I get my hopes up thinking he now wants to talk to me. But communication is still sporadic afterwards. A typical example of gaslighting or intermittent reinforcement.

26th May 2018. I get gaslighted. Again. I still have not given up hope of Lwanda coming to be with me. We are still talking, albeit in a very stunted manner. I book him a ticket to come to London. We agree on the date, and I send him the ticket. He says he will be on the flight, come rain or shine. 

The day of departure arrives. I start worrying, since he has not yet checked in for his flight. 2 hours before departure, still no check-in. I look at his twitter feed. Looks like he is watching the football match, tweeting as he goes along. My heart sinks. Doesn't look like he had any intention of coming, after all. Although he said he would. At 11PM I get an apologetic text message, saying there was a pile-up on the highway following an accident, which made him miss his flight. That he had made alternative arrangements and would be with me in a few days, and was really sorry. A few days later I ask him what happened. He said he took an Uber. I ask him to forward the receipt. "Oh of course, yeah, that's true, if you take an Uber you always get a receipt" he says, now realizing his bluff has been called and he has no receipt to forward to me. Still, he promises to forward the email to me. It never arrives. 

Radio Silence

Fast forward just a few days, one day in May all communication just stops. On a seemingly arbitrary date and time. In spite of my many messages to him, I get no response. I seem to be cut off from all the usual communications channels. One day everything is normal. We joke about how cars are parked on the pavement here in London and how that would not work in SA. Two blue ticks against my message. Then, all of a sudden - my messages on whatsapp get the two grey ticks next to them indicating they are received - but they never turn blue, indicating that they have been read.

After a while, I give up. It's as if he does not want any contact with me. But why? I had not done anything or said anything. He told me he had sold his car, wrapped everything up, ready to go. Yet, now there is no communication, it's like as if he may be receiving my messages but ignoring them. Why would my husband suddenly ignore me?

Sleuthing

After a while, after not hearing anything, I have to admit to myself that I will likely not hear from Lwanda. That in itself hurts so much. He is somehow gone, and abandoned me and our relationship. Still, I had to get some answers. So I started my own sleuthing. Up until now I had not looked very much at his social media. I had no need to. I know he did not like me looking at his Twitter account. I respected that. Later I met a guy who told me his Twitter account was like a pressure valve, that's how he let off steam. I start digging. It's all I can do. It's surprising how much you can find out from social media, when you are dealing with a millennial who does not seem to be particularly concerned about privacy. I comb through every electronic footprint I can find, in search of answers.

Twitter first. I look at Lwanda's twitter account. There was a tweet from 30th April - just a day before he inexplicably left London. How come he had enough? I was shocked to read this. We had a great time together in London And hang on - who is this "Theo" who replied? Is this the same Theo who contacted me earlier, the funeral agency guy? What was the connection? I had not looked at his social media for a long time. I had no reason to, really. But now I tried to dig as deep as I could. As I started uncovering more information, all it led to was more questions. I look at Theo's twitter and Instagram. A few weeks ago, on Twitter I had seen a photo of Lwanda receiving a brand spanking new mustard yellow Golf R 7.5. "What's this about a new Golf R I see on twitter?", I asked him. "Oh it's just a prank that went very wrong!", he responded. "So you haven't bought a new car?" "NO", he resoundingly answers. Yet, something was off. I could feel it.

As I dug deeper it just seemed to get worse. On Lwanda's twitter account, was the photo above on the right, taken at the dealership. But on Theo's Instagram....I find another photo of Theo and Lwanda (left). "Finally Lwandatjie" the post reads. My heart sinks. I message my Dutch friend to find out what "tjie" means. He tells me it's something you add to the end of someone's name, literally meaning "small and loveable" but in this context "My little Lwanda". That can't be good. There must be more to this Theo guy than I had realized. I keep digging. I find a photo of Lwanda with a mysterious dog, and a PlayStation 4 console, all on Theo's account.

My heart sinks further. Could it be that Lwanda has now started a new life with someone else in Pretoria? Is that why he is not talking to me? Is this guy buying him presents?

I find a photo of my present to him on Instagram - that he passes off as him having bought this. That hurt.

I find another photo on the SAFBOB funeral agency website. Shocked, I see my Lwanda! I just don't know what it means. Is he working for the agency now? He had not told me anything about any new workplace. I see Theo standing in the background. None of it makes any sense.

The next day I fiddle around with WhatsApp. Theo, the guy who had messaged me earlier about the divorce, seems to have updated his profile photo. I expand it and see the photo I will never ever forget, the photo you hope you never will see:

The photo you don't want to see: The selfie of your husband with another man. June 2018.

There was Lwanda. Not alone, but with Theo. With another man. I go into a state of shock. The bewilderment is too much. The questions too many. How did this happen? Why does this guy have a photo of him and Lwanda as his profile photo? I know Lwanda is pretty private by nature and not just anyone would be allowed in his car like that. And to even take a photo of himself with another man...that man must mean something to him. I find some other clues on Twitter. A photo of his cars (where he passes off the Golf R as his, but I later discover it belongs to his new partner). It's not taken in Durban, that I am sure of, and the twitter post states the location as "Pretoria". 

Cars have always had a special place in my time with Lwanda. At the back the cute little Polo I gave him the money to buy so he could get around Durban easily. At the front, the high-performance "hot hatch" Golf R, which Lwanda manipulated his new partner to get for him. If you see the Golf R in Pretoria, give a honk from me!

Worried Sick

May/June 2018. I hear nothing from him from a while. He then sends me an email out of the blue, saying that he is OK but struggling with a lot of issues and he is isolating himself from everyone in order to try and “fix” his problems himself. He tells me he is staying in a hotel called Regal Inn, that he’s using some of the car money to pay for that. I naturally call the hotel – no one by his name staying there. I finally get hold of him on the phone, ask him if he is staying, he gets irritated and says I must have called the wrong hotel. I ask what the address of the hotel is, he answers with an uuhm and I get no answer. Just that it's by a big road. So I deduced he was not living there…and in the background as he talks to me I hear the noise of him rummaging round in a cutlery drawer. That is when I started suspecting he was staying in someone’s house. Not a hotel. On 29th May I get an email saying this:“This is most definitely the last time I will ever have to email you from outside the UK. I know right now you might be asking yourself a million different questions as to what's going with me. I know I haven't made it easy for you and I whole deeply apologize for that. (...) So here's the fact of the matter. I managed to find out who is involved in this whole divorce thing that I had no part of and I managed to narrow it down. My mom is involved and she is the one that provided the solicitors with my documents and yours. I believe she found all that information in one of the packages that you sent me that had your address etc. I think it was the package for when I was applying for the visa to come that side. I have absolutely no idea why she is so set on splitting us up but that's not even what annoys me the most. What gets me the most is how on earth did lawyers even approve these things because I didn't sign a single document to say I'm giving permission and most definitely didn't sign anything saying I want a divorce because I DEFINITELY don't want that. It's all honestly so foolish and childish. Anyway, I went looking for legal advice last week to see if there is a way I can reverse everything because I was beyond angry and it's the main reason why I am so stressed and down and out lately. I know I said I am writing my family off but I couldn't leave with this hanging over my head because I knew it would cause problems for us in future. If I actually even wanted a divorce, I would at least have the decency to tell you in person and not just let other people do it for me.I distanced myself from everyone because I wanted to resolved this issue singlehandedly and I know it's very wrong of me to shut you out because you are not the enemy but you know I have a bad case of lack of communication. Last week I was on my way to the airport but I was just unfortunate enough to miss my flight due to that accident. I Ubered there if you must know. I didn't want to tell you because I knew that you would be very sad and disappointed so I bottled it up and only told you afterwards because I thought I could resolve the matter in time and be in London like I'm supposed to! I know I make everything worse by not telling you things and that is seriously something I need to work on because it quite frankly causes more trouble than there actually is.I have put aside some of the car money so that I can go see a lawyer tomorrow who can help me with this mess my mom and co have caused. They suggested that I get a restraining order but that makes no sense because I won't even be around. This is seriously now the last hurdle that's in the way of me getting that side. What I can REALLY assure you is that I will definitely be that side before Saturday this week. Rain or sunshine, I will be there. “ I really worry about Lwanda now. What has happened? Why is he feeling so depressed? Why is he not taking my calls? Why won't he let me help him? After all, I am his husband.  Naturally, I got my hopes up again. That he would come, that it would just be a matter of days now. But my hopes would soon be dashed again.

I hear nothing from him after that. I contact his best friend Cebo, to find out if he has heard anything. Turns out he has not heard anything and he’s been given the same silent treatment as me. So we are kind of in the same boat and I am starting to get both worried, and puzzled. His actions do not match up with what he is saying. On one hand, he says he is coming, on the other hand he is blocking me  completely.

Last Ditch AttemptJune 2018. After being completely blocked from communicating I decide to go to Pretoria to somehow get some answers. I did not care what they were, what was so awful was that I did not know what was going on and I had so many unanswered questions. Imagine someone you know well just one day popping out to buy milk – then goes missing and never returns again. How would you feel..? Probably pretty bad. 

Besides myself with worry I head down to Pretoria to try and find Lwanda and get some answers. Irene Country Lodge, June 2018.

I arrive in Pretoria. I send Lwanda a text message saying I have now arrived. Strolling out to the waiting area in arrivals, I sit down and just wait for an hour. Maybe he will come meet me after all? But no one arrives. In the end, I go pick up my rental car and head to the Regal Inn. My heart sinks when the lady on reception tells me there is no guest by the name of Lwanda Mhlongo there. So where would he be? Is he OK? I am so sick with worry now. Based on what he has told me, I picture him lying there all day, depressed and curled up into a ball, in his small dark hotel room.  I send him lots of messages. He knew I was in Pretoria, yet refused to meet with me. I did not know where he was living, what he was doing – I knew nothing and it drew me crazy and then it hurt so much when he just refused to meet and never responded to my messages, even though he knew full well that I was in the same city. The hotel he supposedly stayed at was my only “lead” so after that all I could do was wait to see if he contacted me.  The next day I drive around, in a vain hope of spotting him or his car. I drive to the only other vague lead I had, the SAFBOB funeral agency. I drive past, and see Theo there in the driveway, but not Lwanda. He is just standing there looking concerned about something, with one of his colleagues. I was in a fragile state, not knowing what was going on, and did not feel like a confrontation. So I decide to just keep driving past. A few minutes later, when everyone has gone, I come back and park out in front. Trying to look in I don't see anything, and no signs of his cars either. I give up and head back to my hotel. I never found Lwanda. He never got back to me. All I could do was go back to the UK, with all my questions unanswered.  All I really wanted was to talk to him, to try and get to the truth and find out what was really going on. I suspect he did not want that, that if he met with me he knew he was going to be questioned and he therefore ignored me instead. From my viewpoint though, it was a massive blow to our relationship and marriage – after all, who would just ignore your husband coming to visit them?

Send In The Detectives

Back in the UK, I chat to my best friend. How I have just been abandoned, with no explanation whatsoever. How I just can't seem to move on, without having any of the answers, now ruminating through my head. "Perhaps you should hire a detective, have him go find out what Lwanda is really up to?" my friend suggests. I laugh off the idea...but then the next day figure - why not? I needed to know. Was he actually living with another man? I furnish them with all the details I have and instruct them to find Lwanda and who he might be living with. The investigators report comes back:

"We ran a back ground check on that Steyn person as well and his address details are a exact match to Mr Lwanda Both of them list the home number as the same as well During discrete inquiries and investigation at the premises it was found that this business operates 24/7 The bottom part of the 2 level unit is used for the day to day running of the business The top part is a living area. Due to the setup inside the premises photos inside could not be taken of them as they would notice but both parties were at the premises working Casual conversation with people in the area revealed that they are under the impression that the 2 subjects stay at this premises after working hours as well. It has to be noted that they are also out a lot visiting people."

They add some grainy photos of where he supposedly lives. Not as conclusive as I was hoping for and still so many questions. I get the results of the vehicle searches, and find out the Golf R is in Theo's name. The Polo is still in Lwanda's name, as I expected. I get the trace report on Johannes Theodoris Steyn. I noticed his date of birth. He is younger than me. From his photos I had seen earlier, I can see he is also slimmer. So there it was. I had been replaced by a lower mileage and slimmer model. It just did not compute.

June 2018. I am looking for my husband on Grindr. No, really, I was. After all, it was me looking for him on Grindr, that sparked starting this blog. Having exhausted every other means of contacting him, I wondered if he still had his Grindr profile. Grindr is classed as a "dating app" for gay men, but in reality it's an app with a notorious reputation where gay men can meet to "hook up" - a short, casual sexual encounter. This is euphemistically called "fun". A while ago my best friend had made me aware that he had seen Lwanda on this dating app. Not just once, but several times, while we had been together. "I don't know how to tell you this, but I saw him on Grindr before," my friend tells me and continues "I saw him in April 2017 when we were in Vegas together, and then again in April when he was here in London". My heart sinks as he shows me the screen shots. The timestamp of his last visit on Grindr is exactly when I was back in Norway, watching my mom's urn getting lowered into the ground at the cemetary. What charming timing, I think to myself. To me it just did not compute. In one way it was none of my business if he wanted to seek out casual sex with men. However, I just felt so embarrassed that I had chosen a man who would do something like that. I just had to know if it really was the case, was he seeking "fun" - whilst still being married to me - and what about this Theo chap I suspected he was with? Did he know? I also did the math, mentally working out all the dates in my head. I was with Lwanda in April/May - what if he had been with other men before that? It suddenly became more of an issue of my health and I started to worry about HIV.  I created a fake profile, and pretended to be a guy moving to Pretoria. Sure enough, I ask what he is after. He says he wants "fun". So no doubt about why he is on the app.

See this profile on Grindr? Run.

Very disappointed, I reveal my true identity. After some pause, and knowing he has been busted, I get excuses back:

In hindsight, this was a familiar technique. "I will send the email now". "I will explain." This is a form of gaslighting. Getting my hopes up, "everything will be fine, I will get an explanation". Except the explanation never comes. The email never arrives. Empty promises, but it's effective as a technique to constantly fob off other people. In October the same year, I managed to briefly speak to Lwanda. He promised that he had made a video, explaining everything. I set up a server so he could upload it. The video never arrived. In fact, there was no video. Still no explanation. In hindsight I should have understood that it was all about his actions, not his words. Judge the person on what he does, not what he says, was my learning. I wondered what to do about my newfound knowledge. In the end, I decide to let Theo know. I don't know what his relationship to Lwanda is exactly, but suspect they are having relations, so I forward on the screen shots. After all, if Lwanda was infected with any kind of STD following his Grindr encounters, then had sex with me here in London, and then with this Theo guy - Theo deserved to know so he could get himself tested. I wait for a response. Suddenly, Theo is very interested to know if I had sexual relations with Lwanda when with me in London. "Lwanda told me you two didn't touch each other," Theo messages me. I explain that is a lie, we had sex together - as a normal married couple would, really. I tell him he should get tested. I'm still in a state of shock. How could Lwanda tell Theo we didn't touch each other? What is going on? I don't get any further responses. I go get myself tested.

Abandonment

July 2018. Back in London, life wasn't easy. In fact, it was awful. I had been abandoned without any explanation whatsoever. In fact, to this day he never told me our marriage was over. Or that our relationship was over. Never had the guts to do that, I guess. It just made everything so much worse. It slowly dawned on me, based on his actions and lack of words, that we had come to the end of the road. He just gradually distanced himself from me, before cutting me off completely.  I am left with so many questions and absolutely no answers. At night I lie there in my super king size bed, looking at the big empty space next to me. The space where I thought I would have my husband, lying next to me, we pillow talk before we turn off the lights and spoon each other. Except, that was not to be. He's not there. The big space serves as a constant reminder of him not being with me.  I start seeing a therapist. She explains just abandoning someone is the absolute worst you can possibly do to another human being. We talk about how I feel so lost, how what I am going through feels like I have lost someone, as if we had gone missing.  I can't seem to move on either. I have so many questions. Why? I ask myself over and over again. I start blaming myself, even though I know I have done nothing wrong. Still, it's very hard not to blame yourself.  Although I find it very hard, I try and remove some of the memories of my Lwanda. It took me many months before I could even bear to open the cupboard where he had left some of his things. Still, I finally manage to do that and clear out the cupboard with his clothes, put his shoes on ebay, and start a memory box. In the box goes the wedding ring, and other mementoes of our time together. I put the box in a corner, symbolically filing away our time together. Making a start archiving the thousands of photos I took, I was reminded of how my phone was full of photos of him holding up an object with his hand. Every time he went shopping and was unsure if something was right, or he wanted to show me something he sent me a photo of a hand + object. We found this pretty funny, so as a kind of last-ditch attempt at doing something nice for him I make a collage. I send the collage, and a letter in the post - but forgot that the South African postal service never seems to work and he never got my letter. 

When your partner is 6,000 miles away, and just wants to show you something....July 2018

"Is there something wrong with me?!"

August 2018. I wake up every morning from my mind racing. It feels like my body is rested but my mind has been doing an overnight marathon. When something like this happens you start to question yourself. "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? Could I have done something differently?". The questions race through your mind as you somehow try and pin what happened to your own actions. Don't. Likely, you did nothing wrong. It's just your mind trying to make sense of your loss. I try and come to terms with where I am in life. That I now have to face the fact that I have been abandoned, that my husband does not want any contact with me and is not willing to explain anything. It all seems incredible. We never argued. We had intense, daily chats via WhatsApp. There was never any indication whatsoever that something was wrong. I start to wonder if he groomed me. Maybe over a period of several years. Assured me he loved me, assured me I was perfect. What you are being told at the time may seem perfectly reasonable, and love makes blind. I was definitely in love. Madly in love.  I start to change. I get panic attacks, which I have never had before. I feel shitty. All the time. I start to exhibit the same signs as people who have have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It's at a point of crisis in your life that you really feel the value of good friends. My friends all rally round me and support me in any way they can. They come round with flowers, which they know I love. Keep me company. Still, I always feel bad. I can't move on. I just don't have the answers.

Help! I married a sociopath!

One day I sat down to try and understand if there were some deep psychological problems at play which could explain his behaviour. Not that it would excuse any of his behaviour, but I thought it would perhaps make me feel a bit better, knowing his behaviour could be at least be explained by some physcological disorder.

My friends suggested I start with Borderline Personality Disorder. The trouble with googling psychological symptoms is that you get a lot of hits to all sorts of issues and disorders you have never heard of. It's like googling your symptoms when you are ill. Before you know it, you are convinced you have a brain tumour and you are clsoe to death, if you were to believe some of the search results. I google away and get lots of matches. Most of the symptoms do not match. Sometimes, you think one or two things match, or they might match. But the below video was different. Thinking back to my time with Lwanda, it all matched. I chill goes down my spine as I watch the video and realize that what is described, is such a good match. The technique of pinning your own faults and actions on other people or other things - it's always someone else's fault. Never his fault. Someone or something is always to blame. Or, the obvious lack of remorse and inability to feel guilty. The charm he used to manipulate me and everyone else around him, including his new partner - and being totally oblivious to the damage caused by his behaviour. The grandiose plans of "becoming someone" in life, yet in practice opting for a modest, cushy lifestyle living off his partner and not contributing much. 

This article "4 warning signs to help you spot a sociopath, psychopath, or narcissist also sums it up pretty good. "Forget about guilt or regret", the article goes. "They have trouble showing emotion, and won’t experience any emotional feeling that they’re doing something wrong. A lack of guilt is usually coupled with passing the blame to others or denying responsibility." Spot on. Lwanda never showed any signs of remorse or guilt. And - everything was always the fault of someone else or something else.  Much later I discovered that the two of us were attracted to each other for all the wrong reasons. It seems I am a co-dependent and Lwanda is a narcissist and I had no idea that the "dance" between the two forms a toxic relationship.  Emotional Rape  So, was it all doomed to fail from the start? Was I really dating a sociopath? Perhaps a sociopath with a good dash of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Yes, he was definitely displaying signs of narcissism. But he was never violent or displayed signs of anger. My learning: Not all signs have to match. Yet, even if you can say yes to some of these signs does not mean your partner actually has a difficult psychological problem. In fact it is not even helpful to try and diagnose your partner or ex partner. It does not help you. 

The spectrum between a narcissist and a sociopath. It can be difficult to spot the differences and nuances. Was he more of a sociopath than a narcissist? Image: @narcabusecoach

My emotional torment felt like emotional rape. A never-ending stream of emotional hits that you can never seem to divert your mind from.  "Why are you doing this?", my friend Morten asks as I tell him about all the recent developments and the websites on narciscissm and sociopaths that I have found. "I don't care what he might be", he continues. "What I care about is what he did to you." I think about that for a bit. He's right. I could diagnose someone forever. But that does not help me. I need to stay focused on how this whole experience has changed me and what I can do to overcome it, heal my psychological wounds, and move on.

THE OTHER MAN

November 2018. My friend and I are having a coffee on my sofa. I tell him how that despite the support from friends, from the therapist, I am still in pieces and I can't seem to move on. If only I had the answers. I tell him how it would just have been so easier if Lwanda had at least told me everything himself. "What about the new fella? Maybe he will be more forthcoming with the truth?" my friend suggests. I guess I have nothing to lose, I think to myself. So I message him and explain I just want to try and get answers to my questions so I can finally move on. To my amazement, he agrees. We agree a time to talk. We quickly move from the smalltalk to the business at hand. Theo tells me how, as a simple boy from the country came to Pretoria and set up his own funeral agency business. My mind starts to wander a bit, but then suddenly comes the bombshell: "Lwanda and I met in March 2016". I quickly rewind in my mind to July 2015 when I met Lwanda. "So that means he has had a relationship with us both for several years" I conclude as my heart is racing and images whirr through my busy mind as we talk. He proceeds to tell me how he rented an apartment in Durban and flew down every two weeks to see Lwanda. How they were having a long-distance relationship, just like mine. The shock is amplified in my mind as I imagine how Lwanda somehow managed to keep us apart, never to know about each other, while he enjoyed a relationship with two men at the same time. All the pieces of the puzzle start to come together while my heart sinks further with a mixture of disappointment, rage and relief. Lwanda did not have an affair. No fluke, no sudden fling with someone, the type of "mistake" and "sidestep" you so often hear about with married couples. No, this was a fully-fledged relationship. We both thought we were the only one, we both thought we had the perfect relationship with the man we so dearly loved. Theo tells me how, by accident, he found out about me and the marriage. Going down to Durban as usual, that week things seemed different. "I can't see you", Lwanda told him. "Go and stay at the Sibaya Hotel. I will catch up with you later." Then, no contact. Theo does as instructed, but clearly worried, the next day he goes in search of Lwanda. Nowhere to be found, he knocks on the door of Lwanda's family house. He asks if they have seen Lwanda. "Lwanda is getting married today!" his mom exclaims. After the initial shock, and not understanding what is going on he managed to find the address of the venue and goes for a visit. The staff are setting up for the wedding, the decorations are in place and the sign directing guests is up. Walking around with a very uneasy feeling in his stomach, he finally manages to get hold of Lwanda...who tells him that the wedding is cancelled. That it's not going ahead. That he should just relax and it will all be fine, he will explain everything. Theo leaves the venue, not quite knowing what to think. Later that day, the wedding did go ahead, as planned. My wedding, to the guy I thought loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.

The House of Cards Falls. I connect all the dots. (Did I dodge a bullet?)

It was only after I spoke to Theo that I managed to connect all the dots. I am still in a state of shock, trying to digest that I had a relationship with a man who also had a relationship in parallel for several years. Not just an affair, but an actual full-blown relationship. How Lwanda must have somehow orchestrated all our visits, carefully timing them so we would not be in Durban at the same time. How when Lwanda came to London in April, he callously compared his life in SA with his potential life in the UK. He even asked me before if having dogs were allowed in my flat (it is).  It dawned on me that I was Plan B. I was complicated. Life with Theo was easy. Theo provided it all - a place to live in South Africa, a generous monthly allowance of R10k, equivalent to twice their house rent, an expensive car, a dog, a PS4....and a pretend job as an administrator where he would not have to do much. I guess he had found his "sugar daddy". A stark contrast to living with me and my "you need to find steady paid work now" approach. With me, there would have been no allowance, no sports car, and lots of challenges settling into a new country. It seems, when he came to London, he had promised Theo that he would sort out the divorce, and came with me on that premise. Except, I was never presented with any divorce papers to sign. I never had any idea.

Now more things started to make sense. How Lwanda had somehow moved in with Theo, but amazingly still pretended the relationship with me was still on. How his family and especially his mom had nothing to do with the divorce. It was all made up. It was Theo who twisted Lwanda's arm and made him go to a lawyer to initiate the divorce. His mom had no involvement, yet Lwanda spun his web of lies and tried to make it seem like she was involved.

Shame and embarassment

October 2018. "It must all have been a lie..." my friend says, while we have a cup of coffee on my sofa. This was the hardest part to swallow. Was it all a lie? Could it be that he never loved me? I will never know. Maybe it was all a big web of lies, carefully constructed by someone who is very adept at manipulation and has no empathy. Or maybe he did love me, but one small lie led to another one and before he knew it there was a big web of lies it was impossible to wrangle out of. For me though, the thought of my whole relationship not being what I thought it was, was so hard to come to terms with.  I also felt so embarrassed and started blaming myself. I couldn't help it. Here I was, having presented this guy to my family, to my friends, as my future husband, indirectly vouching for him. My family came to the wedding, my dad met him...it feels so difficult to face my friends and family. What must they think? That I somehow was such a bad judge of character, or so naíve that I did not see any of it coming. Now they all know what happened, yet I can't shake the feeling that I am the one looking bad, I am the one who selected someone who was obviously no good for me and almost ruined my entire life. 

The D-word

November 2018. No one thinks they will be divorced. As you stand there in the chapel in front of the Priest or Marriage Officer, the thought never enters your mind. Yet, here I was. Earlier that year Lwanda had sent me a curt message saying that he had "let the papers through" and initiated a divorce. Still, several months later I had not heard anything. So I instruct my own divorce lawyer, a specialist in family law, who manages to unearth what has happened so far (apparently nothing) and starts the procedure. Divorce in South Africa is, if uncontested and there are no children involved, pretty straightforward. My lawyer draws up the papers. It's very upsetting. Every time I get an email from my lawyer my heart jumps. I am just starting to forget, trying to move on, but every time I have to do something relating to the divorce I am reminded of all the pain I am going through. Still, I try to persevere and get on with it, just to get it over with.

Getting Unhitched

February 2019. The lift at the High Court in Pretoria seems to take forever to reach the 2nd floor. I look at the serious looking lawyers with their case files, and the Advocates with their British-style gowns. I am meant to meet my lawyer...and also Lwanda and Theo. I see them sitting there waiting already. Lwanda with his head down, refusing to look up at me or even acknowledge me. I shake Theo's hand, and thank him for bringing Lwanda and making sure he did not wiggle out of it. My friends back home had almost taken up bets on whether he would show up or not and I am pleased he is at least there. Gleefully I observe Lwanda must have made a few too many trips to Kota Joe. All those burgers and shakes has obviously led him to put on a lot of weight. That usually means he is not happy. In my mind I think that it also means that now he is so fat, no other man would want him. Pushing 25 and with the obvious weight issue he may be at that stage where he can't just jump ship to be with another man who provides a better package whenever he wants. Perhaps that is what he is not happy about, I say to myself. The court procedure is undramatic and over in a few minutes. The Advocate asks if I there is any chance of rescuing the marriage. "Absolutely not" I respond loudly. After answering a few more questions, it's all over. The Judge grants me a Divorce Decree, and that is it. I am not married anymore. Single, yet divorced.  Outside the courtroom I corner Lwanda. "Do you have something you want to say to me?" I ask. Lwanda still looks down and mumbles something. I ask him again. "No" he meekly says. I then proceed to give him a piece of my mind. A year of pent-up aggression and frustration, all comes out at once. He says nothing, just looks down. I ask if there is something he wants to tell me. Anything would be good, I think to myself. Some sort of sign of remorse and guilt. "I am so sorry for what I inflicted on you" I hope he would say. Instead, he just looks down and says nothing. Finally, the only thing he asks is "How do you know I don't feel any remorse?" and I go on to explain that he doesn't exhibit any signs of remorse and have never done. I tell him what a despicable person I think he really is and how he has inflicted psychological wounds on me that will never go away. Things get heated as I am now shouting, being so upset, but Lwanda just turns his back on me and disappears into the crowd, as I shout that I will make sure everyone knows how horribly he behaved towards me. People start looking and my lawyer asks me if I am OK. Obviously I am not. I walk with my lawyer down the grotty steps of the courthouse, kicking myself that I also forgot to shout out "WHORE!" in the heat of the moment. Oh well. Back at my hotel I am visibly upset. Shaken. I head to the bar and order a large glass of wine. Tell my friends it's done. I feel a sense of both sadness and relief. "It's for the best" my friends say. Part of me thinks it's for the best. The other part of me is sad that I will never be with my Lwanda again, the one person in my life I have had such a deep, profound, all-consuming unconditional love for.  Next morning I leave Pretoria. I really just want to get out of there, and somehow move on with my life. I am about to embark upon a solo road trip across the Northern Cape. But before I do that, I do something I never thought I would do: delete Lwanda as a contact on my phone. There. I press the delete button. He is gone now. I start the car, and head out the hotel gates. END ___________________________________________________

So what happened next? 

First I had to try and recover from it all. 

Then I discovered I am co-dependent. 

Finally I try and share what I learned.