How do you unlove someone?

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Abandoned

Me and Lwanda out in the lovely lush landscape by the wedding venue looking sharp in our wedding suits and me kissing him and we are both smiling so much. But it was not to be, big red cross across the photo.

[Click here to go straight to my 9 tips for what you can do to move on after someone has left you without explanation]

While on holiday in Durban, South Africa I met this guy called Lwanda. We started a relationship that lasted about 2.5 years. We got married. There was just one snag. He never intended to be with me after we got married, and he had a relationship with another man in parallel for 2 years. You can read my story "Help! I married a sociopath!" here. At an arbitrary point he stopped communicating with me and completely abandoned our relationship and marriage. I was left with all the questions and absolutely no answers. To this day I have not had any explanation. So this post is to all of you who have been in what seemed like a great relationship or a marriage and your partner has just left you or discarded you without any explanation.

Picking up the pieces

Wedding photo depicting us where Lwanda has had his face erased

We got divorced in February 2019. So what happened afterwards? How do you pick up the pieces after being subjected to emotional rape, torment, PTSD, anxiety attacks, and self-blame?

It's not easy when someone has left you without explanation. There is a huge difference between having been abandoned with no explanation, and a terrible break-up like most couples seem to experience. We have to deal with a sense of loss and learning to live with never having the answers. At least with a conventional break-up you have some answers. The kindest thing your ex partner can do to you is tell you why it ended. At least then you have closure. What then happens when you don't have closure? You start asking yourself "Why? What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?". Later, maybe you feel duped. You see that the pattern you were subjected to - love bombing, lies, gaslighting, then PTSD - is not uncommon and you are not alone. There are other people out there who have had the same happen to them. Always keep that in mind.

Know that the person you met selected you because of your great qualities, that they clearly saw they could exploit to their benefit. Narcicissts and sociopaths prey on people who have a lot of empathy. They recognise a special type of person in you. You may have had a fantastic relationship, or at least like me I thought that is what I had. That it was all so perfect. I loved Lwanda so much and so deeply. But what he actually felt about me, if he felt anything at all, I will never know. Don't blame yourself, though. You have been treated badly. It wasn't your fault. The person you loved is never coming back. They have no empathy. They can never understand the impact their behaviour has had on you.

Going back to what you thought you had

It really is so incredibly hard when you have been abandoned. Ghosted. If only he had the decency to just tell me what was going on and tell me he is no longer interested and that he wants to break up with me. Spell out the reasons he didn't think it was working. I never got that. I had to try and piece it all together from social media, and to his "new" partner. Despite knowing what had happened, incredibly his other partner chose to stay with Lwanda. I guess love makes you blind. It's true what they say. But to his credit, at least he was open and honest with me and helped me piece together parts of the story. Having at least some answers made it easier to move on.

I was probably in a vulnerable situation. Probably easy to manipulate. Then someone comes along and assure you that you are the person they want to be with. They spend months or even years assuring you of this. In the process, you develop the most incredible, deep love you have ever experienced. You are on cloud nine. You can't believe something like this has finally happened to you. When you are at that stage, when you love someone so deeply and profound that you can't even find the words to describe it - it makes it very hard to "unlove" that someone. Even though they treated you badly, they left you without explanation, maybe emotionally abused you - your feelings are still there and you can't just de-program your mind to get rid of your feelings to you can just move on with your life.

Maybe you want to just go back to what you thought you had? The thought is appealing. You want to go back to what feels safe and wonderful and despite all that happened, you want to go back to the way things were. The loving relationship. Would I want my Lwanda back? I am ashamed to admit, I do. But apparently, that is a normal reaction. It's probably my mind wanting to revert back to when things were good and I was happy. Very happy. It's like a drug.

Still, in my case it was probably all a lie. When you have been with someone for over two years, and then realise none of it was real - that is a lot to take in. Obviously you feel used and abused. My kindness and generosity was abused and now, I just feel anger about that. Regret and anger.

How do you unlove someone?

You can can't just shake off your feelings for the other person like a dog shakes off water after swimming, but wish I could. "It just takes time", everyone tells me. Yeah, right. How long? You feel shitty now. And for how long will you feel like this? For how long will you be tormented? No one can say. It's all individual. I can say that the love you feel for the other person will dissipate very slowly over time. And by time I mean years. Not months. But your thoughts about what happened may be with you for a long time. Over time, they will become more distant memories.

Thankfully, there are some things you can do to try and move on with your life after the trauma you have experienced.

9 Survival Tips for for those who have been abandoned or discarded

01 Seek out people who will "get" how you feel. Only those people who have experienced the same as you, will ever truly "get" how you feel. Reach out to friends, colleagues, your local community and the wider public internet. I had a colleague who had his wife walk out on him, very suddenly, and with no explanation. The best "therapy" I have ever had was talking to him and sharing experiences.

In addition, consider these support groups:

Overcoming divorce/break-up support groups
Grief support groups
If your now ex-partner had specific psychological issues such as narcissism, there codamay be charities, support and self-helf groups that can offer support. For example the UK's Echo Society provide counselling to victims of narcissistic abuse. CoDependents Anonymous is another excellent group.

Seek help from a professional therapist. Don't try and go it all alone. You need help coming to terms with the trauma of your partner abandoning you, and friends and support groups can only do so much.

I got a cat! This is Max - he is 18 and currently living out his
golden feline years with me.

Find distractions in your life. Concentrate on your work, get a pet, find courses to do...how about that baking class you always wanted to do? Go and do that now. If you feel ready - go for a date (but it will probably be too early). At least, start talking to and meeting other people. Salsa dancing anyone?

Talk to your friends. They may not fully understand. But they can offer their support.

Purge any triggers. Protect yourself and remove anything in your life that could trigger memories of the person you love(d). It sounds harsh but every time a memory is triggered of the person it just gets harder to forget and harder to move on with your life.

If you find this hard to do on your own enlist the help of a good friend to be with you. If it all gets too much take breaks.

- Delete or file away all your photos of that person
- Make sure you are not connected in any way on social media
- Never ever visit their profile on social media. Don't "check up" on them to see what they are doing. You are only making things harder for yourself.
- Sell or donate any of their personal belongings. If you absolutely want to keep some of them, make a memory box. File away their belongings in the box (make sure it has a lid) and store the box well out of sight, for example in the attic.
- Consider taking a break from communicating with any common friends you may have had. They will somehow always remind you of the person you lost and will bring back the painful memories.

Consider reading some self-help books (but don't overthink it). Here is a great start: Training our Minds in, with and for Compassion and How To Fix a Broken Heart

Seek out places that relaxes and calms you down. Anywhere where you feel safe, comfortable and relaxed and that has no connection with your partner, and you never visited with your ex partner. Perhaps a place you used to go to on family vacations as a child, or your parents house.

Make a "Everything that was bad with my BF/GF list". On your phone, make a list of what was bad about your ex partner. Don't be shy - let it all out. Think hard. Even though your relationship may have been good - surely there were some things, now that you think back on it, that were not so good? Keep your Bad BF/GF List and pull it up every time your mind starts ruminating about what happened.

What did you learn? Think about what you got out of the relationship. Was it all bad? Did you have some good times with the person? If so, cherish just those moments. They were at least happy moments in your life. Then, reflect upon what you learned from your whole experience. Not how you feel. If you were to start a new relationship what would you do differently?

Finally I recommend you check out Guy Winch's excellent TED talk on "How to fix a broken heart":

Did something like this happen to you? How are you coping? Do you have other tips? Leave a comment below!

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