Help! I'm co-dependent!

The 1999 film (now famously starring Ru Paul) "But I'm a cheerleader" portrays a girl who is your average All-American cheerleader - but also happens to like girls. "I get good grades, I go to church - I'm a cheerleader!" the main character Megan exclaims. However, following the  discovery she does in fact like girls "that way", a lot of cognitive dissonance ensues. Megan really thought she was was a certain way.  And that is also what I was thinking when, one day, I discovered I was a co-dependent. No, actually, a Co-Dependent with capital letters. This discovery completely shattered the image I had of myself and I had to re-evaluate who I really am, what made me the way I am and how I could move on with my life. 

What made me end up in the therapists's comfy chair was that a few years ago I married a guy who was clearly somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum. To my surprise I discovered that is the worst combination you could have between two people in a relationship. Oops. He discarded me and abandoned our marriage and relationship without ever providing any explanation. Feeling so bad after all of that, I somehow rose from the ashes, sought therapy and finally found a therapist I really liked. He read my whole back story "Help I married a sociopath!" and well - it apparently reads like a checklist for co-dependent behaviour. As I sat there in my chair at the therapist's office my synapses were firing and my mind seemed to go into overdrive. I had absoutely no idea - the whole concept of co-dependency was completely alien to me. Until now.

So now, one year after I legally parted ways with my scumbag ex-husband I realize that my co-dependent behaviour was what led me into my relationship with him. And that my relationship before that was also built on me displaying classic co-dependent behaviour. 

Imagine my surprise... 

when it all dawned on me that the way I was acting was not in my best self-interest. That the really good, caring, generous person I thought I was and still am displayed traits of behaviour that was in fact not conducive to my self-preservation. Oh dear. So here I am right now, trying to get to grips with (to me) all these new concepts of setting boundaries, self love, and changing the whole way I attach in relationships. Most importantly it seems is to redefine what person would be good for me in a future relationship. The type of person I am attracted to is clearly not good for me in any way. Narcisstic "takers" are clearly to be avoided, same goes for anyone I believe I could "help" and therefore sending myself into an abyss of exhaustion and financial disaster.

Clearly I am on a journey and I am both looking forward to what the future holds, as well as still reflecting about my past relationships. I want to learn and I don't want to fall into the same traps I did before. 

I still want a new relationship. Badly. Probably too badly. "How do you attach in a relationship?" my therapist asked. I really had no idea. "I just fell in love with them and wanted to be with them?" I answer. Apparently, it doesn't stop with me being so codependent. My attachment style also affects my relationships. I look it up. I am clearly anxious-preoccupied: "An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a negative view of self and a positive view of others." That pretty much fits, I think. I have always thought less of myself and always the best about everyone else. It also explains how I behaved in my relationships - always wanting the best for my partner, always putting myself last, always wanting intimacy and just wanting to be with my partner no matter what. People with this style can, like codependency, trace the origins back to your childhood and a fear of abandonment. I really had such a low opinion of myself and such low self-esteem.

I took the attachment style test....could I be further
out on the anxious-preoccupied scale?!

I was so afraid of losing my partner that I avoided any kind of upset or conflict at all costs. Because I just wanted to be with the guy I was so madly in love with, my mind filtered out any negative issues. I did not have the difficult conversations. I trusted him implicitly. I did not even know that when you start a relationship the secure attachment style is what you should strive to have: "A secure attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a positive view of self and a positive view of others." Not only that, you also have to think about the attachment style of your partner. My 1st partner was definitely dismissive-avoidant and my 2nd clearly fearful-avoidant. Neither of them a good combination with my anxious-preoccupied style. 

If you are wondering what your style is, you can take a test and find out. The results may only be an indication, but still, it may help you understand more about yourself and how you act and relate to your partner in a relationship. 

Looking back and looking forward

I used to have this fantasy that one day - Lwanda, my husband and partner and the big love of my life would see reason and come back to me. That he would just turn up outside my front door, ask for forgiveness and we would simply resume what we had started. Everything would be as before and all the bad things never happened. 

Looking back I am relieved he never did that. But what if he stood there outside my door today - what would I do? It would be like if I was a drug addict and a drug dealer suddenly stood outside my door offering me free drugs. It would have been incredibly hard for me to resist. I now realize it would not have been good for me. 

At one point, after I got married but my husband and I were still living in different countries, I was this close to moving. I had some savings and at one point I could have just left London, and spent my savings on some small place for myself and my husband in South Africa. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I really had done that. Arriving in SA only to at some point find out my husband had already got a new partner he had been grooming and had already moved in with. So there I would have been, all my friends and family 6000 miles away, no job and my whole marriage in tatters. I really am glad I at least had the sense to buy my flat here in London, and keep my job. Love made me blind for sure but I didn't completely lose ground contact. It could even have gone much worse - recently I saw the story of Lindsay De Souza, a woman who moved to the Dominican Republic to marry and live with her (very good looking) black man. She was discovered buried in a shallow grave and her husband and his brother are currently in custody and murder is suspected. Lindsay also blogged about her life and even wrote two well-selling novels. I tell myself things could have gone a lot worse if I had moved that side and I am thankful I at least did not end up in a shallow grave! 

Don't get me wrong I had the two best years of my life so far. I discovered South Africa. I made some new friends. I learned an awful lot about myself. Ironically, my time with Lwanda gave me so much and ironically was the catalyst for me discovering I am co-dependent.

Self-care. Boundaries.

From now on, it's about self-care. Not the same as selfishness. I'm reading the excellent book "You're not crazy - you're codependent" by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter, and continuously learning new things about myself and the origins of my behaviour. 

Codependency is an addiction. I really must not get involved with the same type of person again. I have to stay strong.