Why you should call your ex a cucking funt

If you have just come out of a relationship or marriage I bet there is a lot of things you want to say to your ex-partner. A mixture of anger, regrets, sadness and sorrow all mixed into one. To try and get over your relationship you can write a letter to your ex to help you get closure and say goodbye.

I tried this myself. I wrote a letter to my ex-husband. I called him all sorts of things. Cucking funt. Wh*re. Sl*t. That was just the beginning. 24 pages later, and I am still not finished. I still have things I want to say. 

Will you feel better after you have done this? Absolutely. After I did this it felt like a load was lifted from my shoulders. Thoughts I had ruminating in my mind were gone since they were no down on paper instead of being rotated in my mind. It was as if so many of my thoughts that were running through my head on a circular basis, were suddenly gone. 

Maybe you never got any closure? My ex-husband discarded me. One day, he stopped communicating. You can read that whole story here. Since he just discarded me I never got to tell him how I feel and I never got to have the hard conversations you often have when you break up with someone. So for me, the only option was to write him a letter.

Back to where you might be now. You need some closure. You need to say goodbye. Say the things you never got to say to your ex, or now want to say.

Here are 3 different things you can do. For all 3 alternatives what's important is that you don't just say things in your head. You must write or speak your thoughts.

1) Write a letter you will never send

Sit down and pen a letter to your ex-partner. You will never send it and this letter is just for you. Don't hold back. Say exactly what's on your mind, even if you are embarrassed by what you are saying. Don't worry about where you start. Don't worry about your thoughts flowing in different directions. Just get your thoughts down on paper. Pretend  he/she will read it. If you were to send the letter, what 
would you make sure you say? What do you need to get off your chest?

It will be hard. On the one hand you had a great time with the other person. You probably loved him/her a lot at one point. On the other hand, things did not work out for various reasons and maybe you need to explain. Maybe you don't even understood why someone broke up with you. 

This letter is for you. Not for anyone else. 

Some people just delete the letter afterwards. Some people write on paper and burn it. In all cases my advice is: keep it for 6 or 12 months! Then go back, read it again. How do you now feel about the things you wrote? You probably feel different. That just means you have moved on from your experience. The feelings you had are now less intense. If you feel really different, scrap the 1st letter and write a new one. This time, detailing how you feel now.

I am now on my 3rd letter to my ex-husband. Each one less acerbic than the previous one. Clearly I must be making some sort of progress.

2) Audio record a letter

If you don't fancy writing, you can always record a letter. Same principle: Sit down, start the audio recorder on your phone, and just let it all out. All your thoughts about the other person. How you feel. What you would like to say to the other person.

Keep the recording. Come back to it after 6-12 months. How do you feel now, compared to what you said in your recording?

3) Talk to an empty chair

A technique which may help you is to pretend you are talking to your ex-partner. He/she won't be there but pretend they are sitting in a chair opposite you. 

To do this, place two chairs opposite each other. Sit down, maybe do a grounding exercise first, look straight onto the opposite chair and imagine your ex is sitting right there. Start off with saying their name, say hi, then say whatever you like. And by that, I mean whatever. Just like in the letter, feel free to call them names. They are not really there but you are and this exercise is for you to get anything you like off your chest. Feel free to get angry, or sad - or both. Ask questions. Talk about how you have been since you split up. Talk about all the things you never got to say. 

Try it

Once you have done one of these, you will feel better. Lighter. Maybe feel like you have more perspective. Not straight away, but give it a day or two. Try it. 

Next step: Forgiveness

After any break-up forgiving the other person will help you. You have to forgive them for you, it will help you move on with your life. How to do it? See here on All the Biscuits.